on the heart and the hills.

Adulthood isn’t black or white – it’s a thousand shades of grey. Or taupe. It’s not who you are, it’s where you are. – Elizabeth Noble, Alphabet Weekends

Last night I was encouraged to go back and read this post.

Sometimes I feel like I have so much going on in my life I can’t quite catch up. And it’s nothing earth shattering. I’m not raising children or working a 3rd job or preparing a meal for a family. So what is it exactly? It’s me trying to meet my goals while subsequently trying to be there for each of my friends to encourage them or lift them up when they need it or even when they least expect it.

***

I remember my senior year in college when a boy told me he loved me for the first time. I wasn’t as receptive to that as he thought I might be but I tried mightily to still be a good friend to him. I remember him pushing me away, confiding in a mutual friend about my character flaws, and my heart hurting in a way it hadn’t hurt in a long time. I must’ve been a lot more gutsy then, because I eventually went to him and told him he’d hurt me and that if all these thoughts he had had about me were so true in his mind, then he never really knew me at all. And that that was the only way I could rationalize it. That these opinions he spouted out about me weren’t really about me, but about someone else entirely.

Now it’s almost exactly 6 years later and I spent my Saturday morning giggling on the couch uncontrollably while texting him from here to New York.

***

I’m 27 now and I sometimes feel like I’m still fighting an invisible something. Girls who for some reason don’t like something about me. People who I consider friends who don’t treat me like one in return. Friends who repeatedly rip me apart, which is something I’ve never truly understood. The ripping apart of people you’re close to, when there are certainly enough hills to be climbed already with them by your side.

Nothing that can be, can come between me and the full prospect of my hopes. – Ian McEwan, Atonement

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4 thoughts on “on the heart and the hills.

  1. I can’t quite catch up, either. Sometimes I wonder how I would ever squeeze in a family. When would you sleep?

    We’re just living the hell out of our lives right now and there’s not a thing wrong with it. We might always be running to catch up, but at least we’re running.

    And now let me state something really obvious: you only deserve the greatest of friends, girlie.

  2. one of my fallbacks is to realize that no one has the right to make me feel anything about them or about myself without me first giving them permission. you can’t make me hate you unless i give you that power. and you can’t force me into a bad day without me first letting you. there’s something, even if it’s just perceived and not reality, to the control of my own emotions and my own thoughts over persons/subjects that actually gives some freedom. it’s taken a long time to learn, still hard to follow through with sometimes. but you’re on the right track – self-reflection and self-encouragement are wonderful gifts.

  3. I think we’re always running to catch up no matter what we’re doing. I’ve found that I have less free time when I’m not working if that makes any sense.

    Take the bitches out of your life or at least keep them at an arm’s length. I think as we grow older the best thing we can do for ourselves is to realize what friendship is and where we draw the line.

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