I may have only finished one book this summer. And while I’ve started 15 others, and loved that very one, there’s a part of me, in that deep place that I’m convinced does exist, that is the slightest bit embarrassed by this one small fact. But at the same time there’s another part of me that just really couldn’t care less. Do you hear that English Prof That Angered Me So? I don’t care. Because while I believe that many a thing can be learned in books, I’ll assure you this: the best things cannot. For instance there are these:
1. Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino may be the greatest thing that ever lived. I kid you not. It’s love. I may have thought, for the majority of last season, what it would be like to have family dinners with Vinnie & Co. But this season, I’m convinced I could look past the Ed Hardy boxers and be laugh happy forever.
2. I am obviously not one for female empowerment. For an example: please see #1.
3. You may judge a guy you date by his dislike of Jersey Shore, but you will lose that fight every day.
4. They don’t call me KWoww for nothin’, but I got nothin’ on JWoww.
5. We might not have B.E.D. in Columbia, but we have Bar None.
6. Did you know Bar None does actually close sometimes?
7. When the lights come on and all who are sitting must stand and all who are standing must get the hell out, you might just fall in like.
8. Patron might go down smoother than cheap tequila, but it doesn’t lessen the next morning’s pain.
9. Speaking of alchi, while I was drinking a smuggled bottle of wine on the beach with the mom at sunset recently, dancing to shag music, I noticed a topless girl and, well, pretty sure toplessness isn’t allowed on South Carolina beaches. But if it is, please let me know. As that would do wonders for my tan lines.
10. Are tan lines so bad? I mean, seriously. I would rather have a tan lined bridesmaid than a preggers one. Aesthetics smetics. You can airbrush a solid tan but I just don’t think it’s kosher to erase a baby.
11. Speaking of babies, which is caused by marriage, which happens after dating — Dating in the Dark? HILARIOUS. Well done, ABC. Well done.
12. Preceding Dating in the Dark we have The Bachelor Pad. Which has been known to cause remote control wars but also color me lazy as I stay glued to the kissing contest.
13. If you can’t participate in a kissing contest, why are you on The Bachelor Pad? Better yet, why are you on The Bachelor Pad if you’re in a relationship?
14. Would my mom really kick me out of the family if I went on The Bachelor? She threatened to drop me if I named my hypothetical child I’m having with my hypothetical husband after Holden Caulfield. Bollocks.
15. Is it politically correct to make random literary references?
16. By random literary references I mean to say Silence of the Lambs is literary. If you think not, go away.
17. I wonder if tourism spikes because of “literary” references to it. Like Forks, Washington. I mean, I’ve never wanted to go to Miami more than I have after seeing my bitties JWoww and Snickers down there. I just inferred that Jersey Shore was literary. You can judge. It’s okay.
18. The other day, the mom told me that I had a Snooki-poof. It was bump-it free I swear but I was so giddy. I tried to do my hair like that again at work but I got laughed at and told there wasn’t enough humidity in this town and to try again.
19. Why do people have to be so hateful? I don’t send text messages that say GO TIGERSSSZZSZZZSZZ to all the gamecocks. I expect the same respect, folks. R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
20. It’s game eve. I’m outtie.