people are ridiculous.

I have a talent for not being able to say no to things. It’s called overcommitteditis. It’s pretty much the only talent I have. A woman I work with might argue I have a talent for fictitious thinking due to my ability to create an off the cuff story at the drop of a hat but I’m going to go on and say that’s not a talent. I’ve been doing that since I was 5. Now guilt; that’s a talent.

I mean, seriously. I was once famously asked to pick up a friend’s dry cleaning and I did. I drove out of my way and I picked it up and I paid for it and did they wear those clothes? Nah. They weren’t sure I was going to do it so they planned a different outfit. Wtf. Did I say I was going to do it? Well then I did.

When I was in high school there was a woman that would call every couple of weeks (her husband was – is? – an assistant college basketball coach which of course caused a spiral of judgement from the get-go) and she’d be all nice and all “So what are you doing tonight?” like she was truly interested in my life. And when I’d answer with my typical “nothing” response she’d say “Great! Can you babysit?” And, I mean, obviously I already told her I didn’t have plans so I would have to say yes and then I’d hang up and mumble that bitch and show up at their house two hours later at which point I would get verbally abused by their daughter to a point so extreme I had never experienced it before nor have I since. And you know, come to think of it, I have no idea where their son was when all this verbal lashing was going on but I’m pretty sure I was babysitting him too. But good god I can still hear that girl-child yelling. I would bet money she’s in high school or college by now. OH MY GOD I AM SO GOING TO FACEBOOK THAT BITCH. Now what the hell was her name? Oh my god her dad is still a basketball coach. AND SHE IS ON FACEBOOK. I have GOT to get off the internet.

So anyway, ever since then I’ve had a penchant for oversharing. What are you doing tonight has led me to listing out every. single. thing. Like if you’d asked me what I was doing last night – and some unfortunate souls did – my answer would have been going home to go on a bike ride with Mom, cooking brown rice for supper with her, and then watching a movie with her. TMI, maybe. But I make it clear that nowhere in there can anybody fit in.

A couple of weeks ago a guy I went to high school with sent me a text message. “What happened to you this weekend?” Be it that I thought myself to be somewhat in tact for a Monday I asked what he was talking about only to learn that huh? We had a date? Which led me to ask “A date for what?” and his response was “I don’t know. Lunch, dinner, drinks. I’ve been trying to get together for like… well forever.” Except it was more 2gether, tryn, 4eva. And, um, no.

So tonight was the second time in a week he’d asked me out. And I was already at my maximum level of irritation and emotional exhaustion for a Thursday night. So here’s what not to do when trying to ask someone out. Especially someone that swims in guilt.

Start with: “What are you doing this weekend?”

Read her response: “Got a busy weekend in Columbia, you?”

Respond with: “What you got going on to keep you so busy?”

Invoke in them the guilt driven need to detail what they’re doing. Which really, well, irritates me. Cough.

Text back: “Well I’m gonna try this one more time and then I’m going to stop asking. Would you like to get lunch or something this weekend or meet up for a drink?”

And then, THEN, before they have a chance to form an appropriate n-o, send: “Well alright. Hint taken.”

Drama queen much?


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